As it gets harder

I just finished reading "Wrestling with an Angel" by Greg Lucas. An awesome and easy read for any parent or caregiver who is struggling as they raise their child with a disability.

In the first chapter Greg tells the story and his discouragement as he realizes that "things are only going to get harder" as his son gets older.

I honestly hadn't thought about that.

Well, I had, but not in those terms.

It will get harder to care for Andrew because

he's going to get bigger

and

I'm going to get older.

That is a little very discouraging!

But, I have also spent the last several years telling young parents that it's going to get easier.

So, I guess it does get easier for a little while, because we as parents settle into a routine. We get to know our kiddos, we begin to get used to the medical appointments, and we begin to learn how the system works.

So in a way it does get easier, with the realization that it's also going to get harder.

Wow! Somehow that doesn't make me feel any better.

I realized a long time ago that I can't do it by myself. What's contradictory to that is that I try, and it's usually when I try to do it by myself that I fall into the pit of anxiety and hopelessness.

It's important for me to "Let go, and let God"

"but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:30

Is it worth it?

I don't always feel like a very good mother, in fact, often I feel like a total failure.

I was talking to my mom the other night and she was laughing about my 14 year old using his dirty clothes to dry off with when he gets out of the shower.

Really???

Either he's too lazy to come up and get clean towels, or I haven't taught him that he should be using a clean towel.

I mean, my house isn't exactly all that organized, and I'm not organized (nor is his dad).

I got to thinking about his future wife; if she is really going to appreciate the fact that my son is a slob? What is she going to see when she comes into my house?

Does it really matter?

I think so.

When I look at my cluttered, unorganized house, I know that it gets in the way of my relationship with my husband, children and more importantly with God. It's amazing what a clean house can do for a person. I find I spend more time with God, with my husband and with my boys, when my house is clean.

So why is it so hard?

I have lots of excuses: I'm tired b/c I work full-time, I am too busy keeping up with my very busy 14 year old, I am too busy taking care of my child with cerebral palsy, I am too busy with school work, etc, etc, etc.

But wouldn't I have more time if I took the time? Wouldn't things actually be easier and less stressful?

“Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 

It's a well known verse. Maybe one that I should pay more attention to:

And also making sure my son has clean towels.

He gave me a song

You would think that coming back from a conference about a topic that touches my heart so much would mean that everything the next few days would be so happy.

They weren't.

I have to confess, I was angry. I was angry at things that had been said and

I was angry at me.

I get like that. Where I'm angry at something and then I get myself all worked up and I become more angry at myself. I mean, I'm not supposed to be angry, and it gets in the way.

It gets in the way of me getting anything productive done.

it gets in the way of my relationship with my husband and kids.

and it gets in the way of my relationship with God.

So in my despair- I cried, did you know it is ok to cry. 

At least I hope it is, I mean, I cry all the time.

Then I asked for something to distract me. I don't like being angry and bitter- because let's face it-

it  makes me pretty obnoxious.

God gave me a song!

And it's the most amazing thing, every time I would start to get angry, I would hear the same chorus over and over again.

God sent me an angel.

I’ll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own
‘Cause when you’re down and out of time
And you think you’ve lost the fight
Let me be the angel
The angel by your side

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." Matthew 13:44

Just as I am!

It’s a good thing God allows us to start over. If there is anything I have learned am learning, it’s that God meets me where I am. I have messed up so many times, in so many ways that even I have a hard time comprehending. But I know that even though I am often a mess up, God loves me.  

And he always will!!

I had the remarkable privilege of attending Desiring God’s disability conference yesterday.

The Works of God: God's Good Design in Disability

What an awesome title!

There is so much to talk about regarding that conference, that it would be overwhelming for one blog post. It was inspiring, it was encouraging, it was educational and so much more.

There were recurring themes.

There were awesome speakers: Nancy Guthrie, John Piper, Mark Talbot and Greg Lucas

And we must not forget the remarkable testimony of Krista Horning.

Who is Krista Horning? She’s the author of this book:

And I cannot wait until her testimony is posted on-line, because it so very worth sharing. She is a very remarkable young woman.

Did I learn anything?

                 

I learned that I need to go to God with absolutely everything.

                          

Did you know he knows everything about me (you) anyway?

                                                 

So why would I want to try and hide my needs, my fears, my despair, my                                                            anguish, my hopes, my dreams, my wants, my praises, my anything’s from him?

                                                                

He knows me inside and out, and by not sharing myself 100%, I am lying                                                                             to God.

                                                                                 

Lying to God!  That is a scary concept.